Confessions of an Amateur Believer

Have you ever wondered if being a Christian meant you had to stop using your God-given brain and blindly follow something you didn’t understand without questioning? Have you come to consider thoughtful self examination of your beliefs something to be avoided? Think it is something you shouldn’t want to do? Is it somehow a sin to have doubts about matters of faith? Have I got a book recommendation for you! Check out Confessions of an Amateur Believer by Patty Kirk and see that you're not alone.

Patty Kirk gives us some revealing insight into her life from which we can all benefit. She grew up in the faith and had that beautiful child-like complete trust that there is indeed a God and that God is good. Then because of family problems and some traumatic experiences she came to leave the faith and doubt the existence of God. After years of persuing more and more education and life overseas, she came home and found her faith again. Even those of us who never left the faith of our childhood can still glean insight into the bumps in the road which may have driven our friends, family, or co-workers away from belief in God.

The book is basically a collection of essays about her doubts and how that God dealt with her doubts through the people around her and her experiences in life. Most of the time, a Bible verse (maybe even one she’d read many times before) struck a nerve. The Holy Spirit spoke to her and and put a bright spotlight on a particular passage and related it to some event or worry or hurt.

In one chapter entitled “On Barns” she tells of how the she and her husband have six barns on their farm in Oklahoma but they don’t really farm much any more. When beef prices fell in the 90’s he became a CPA and she became an English teacher. They were “barn rich and money poor.” While reading the parable in Luke 12 about the prosperous farmer who contemplates tearing down his barns to build bigger ones so he can store up enough to stop working and life the easy life, she took hard the fact that God chose that time to say “You fool! This very night you will die!” He hadn’t actually torn a barn down yet. He was making plans for his own future to be self sufficient without needing God anymore.

“I got to thinking about the fact that this rich guy hadn’t even carried out his plans yet when God told him he was about to die that very night. He was just thinking about it. And it occurred to me, suddenly, that this parable was not about storing wealth but about making plans and to-do lists, about living in the future tense instead of now.....

My barns, I got to thinking, are unpublished books, further academic degrees, things to write in future resumes or please for salary increases, courses yet to come, a clean house, a pretty yard, a place to rest. And my sin is not these things, many of which I already enjoy, but thinking about them, my secret yearning

for more job security and professional acclaim and some sort of future leisure in which to garden, read novels, and throw big dinner parties.

I have thought the rich guy’s thoughts....I work long hours, pour my energy and enthusiasm into my students and writing, and then snap at my husband and children when I get home and dream about a future in which this isn’t so.

Today I wish to consider the barns I am tearing down; my marriage, my two children, my faith in God to take care of my wants and desires. Jesus began his parable with a strange statement. He says: “The ground of certain rich man produced a good crop.” The story is about the certain rich man, his schemes and impending death, but the subject of the opening sentence is not the man but the ground – the land, the earth, the very dirt of which the man himself was made.....

Planning to build bigger barns is cherishing the future of our own creation rather than the good barns full of what we’ve already been given.”

She has this to say about the story in which Jesus is asleep in the back of the boat when a horrible storm comes up and the Disciples are terrified. They wake Jesus up as if to say “Why are you doing nothing to help us? We’re all going to drown!”

“Where is your faith?” He asked them, and suddenly I realized that shrieking to Jesus to help me and having faith that He would help take care of me were not the same thing. Faith, that elusive gift that I could not earn, did nevertheless require doing something, something very specific. I had to calm myself with the certainty that I was loved and would be taken care of. ‘Like a weaned child with its mother,’ I had to calm myself enough to let my Master sleep.

“Calm down,” I used to tell my little daughters when they were unreasonably upset or over tired. I reminded them that I was in charge but that I knew they had the power to calm themselves. I made them sit in my lap and take deep breaths. I stroked their hair. After a while, their tight little rebellious bodies would soften and lean into me.

Think of it! Jesus slept in that little boat while the dangerous storm raged. Giving my problems to Jesus is to let him sleep – and to sleep myself.

The Psalmist knew this: it is in vain that we ‘rise early and stay up late,’ he tells us in Psalms 127, “toiling for food to eat” – for the Lord “grants sleep to those he loves.”

There is a similarly wonderful chapter on that perpetual brunt of all kinds of jokes – the mother-in-law. Only this hits hard deep inside because it is based on scripture. Patty Kirk describes how she felt a sense of resentment against her mother-in-law despite all the free baby sitting, meals, and cars she let them buy from her at below market prices. She resented her because she wanted a more independent life for her and her husband and her mother-in-law’s constant “help” was a constant reminder of how interconnected they were.

“Eating a Mamaw’s meant surrendering one of my most precious retreats from the difficulties of life, my escape and solitude, my self-made and hard won identity as the provider of food for my family.”

Then she read the story of Naomi and Ruth with fresh eyes. Ruth’s words to Naomi:

Wherever you go, I shall go.
Wherever you live, I shall live.
Your people will be my people,
and your God will be my God, too.

Today regarding her mother-in-law:

“Hers is the fiber from which whole cloth is made, an inspiration for any would-be Ruth or striving Christian, a model of selfless love of herself, others, and life itself. As I get older and more sure of the choices Ihave made, for better or worse, I begin to see how one might come to cling to such a pillar in time of need. I already cling to her, in fact. More and more, when time is short and stressful, I seek her ease, her meals, her love for my children and attention to their demands.”

In the interest of full disclosure, I should point out that I received a free review copy of this book in the hopes that I would say something nice about the book. My first reaction was selfish I admit. I was glad that a real book marketing professional thought my humble blog would make good publicity for the book and that some of you might take my recommendation and pick up your own copy.

In hindsight, I must say that I was the one blessed in this process and I’m sure glad that I was given this opportunity because I’m not one to go to bookstores and pickup books from authors I’d never heard of before. But I have my own aspirations of writing a Christian book some day and I hope I can write something that will touch your soul down deep inside like this one touched me – and I exercised my God-given brain, too! I encourage you to go pick up your own copy of Confessions of an Amateur Believer by Patty Kirk.